"Outed" by Google News

My friend informed me, via a MySpace message, that perennial Match Game 7x panelist Charles Nelson Reilly had passed away over the long weekend. Since I have since lost all patience with televised news and the local newspaper (where you have to pick the news tidbits from the cracks of celebrity gossip), I decided to conduct a search for the old flamboyant nabob's cause of death on Google News.

If I'm guilty of nothing else in my life, I am certainly notorious for clicking links without looking both ways. The first item that popped up seemed to have the answers I was looking for, so click on it I did. I probably should have been more cautious, especially since I was at work, because suddenly I found myself browsing Gay.com. Never mind that I work with people whose voices don't match their genitals. I have just been outed by an errant click of the mouse.

It doesn't matter that I'm a quick draw with the deadly ALT-F4 combo. For that split-second all vaginal sex was meaningless and I was packing up early to go redecorate a straight man's house. Who'd have thought that my innocent research could have such an impact on my sexuality? My black dockers suddenly transformed into ball-hugging tight shorts and my formal button-down shirt turned into a lavender tank-top with my belly-button just barely protruding from the orgy of fabric enveloping my body. My shoes? They turned into Rollerskates - bitch! I zoomed around the cubicles doing little twirls and pirouettes screaming "heyyyyyy" as a vapor trail of silver ribbon dragged behind me.

I suppose everything my conservative friends told me was true. Those bible-toting toadies tried to warn me and I didn't listen. I've been dragged into a den of immorality all because I happened upon a website that appeals to the gay community. Gasp just one more time, will you?

On the advice of my good-natured, but moronic tormentors, I aimed my browser over to MTV.com to get some info. Unfortunately, the moment I logged on, I had suddenly forgotten how to read.

After my long day of phone calls, copy machines, homosexuality and illiteracy, I asked some transient on the street for the scoop. He told me that Charles Nelson Reilly died from complications from pneumonia. Ahh, the information age!