The Car Horn: Useful Driving Tool or Harbinger of Death?

Is there a more startling sound than the sustained wail of the average car horn? The only two things I could possibly think of would be a heavy book being dropped in a large, quiet room or Maury Povich telling me that I am the father. But while I understand the need for the urgent nature of the car horn's rebellious yell, it's also in the hand of irrational, quick-tempered idiots.

Here's a short quiz, just one question: Are you about to horrifically collide with something or someone? If the answer is "no", reconsider leaning on the face of your steering wheel with the heel of your hand. Especially in traffic. The long, loud blare is not a magic spell that will lift the cars off the ground so you can pass safely and quickly underneath. But, hey, at least everyone within a three-block radius knows you're upset you selfish attention-whore.

Single guys, tell me something: Are you a firm believer that a quick toot of your automobile's horn when passing a hot woman on the street is the absolute best way to get her attention? Because while you're flirting with some lady at 40 MPH, I'm driving alongside you thinking I'm about to scuff your tacky rims with my driving. Do us all a favor: pull over the car, throw her a pick-up line and get doused with mace like any other responsible douchebag.

Devotees (bless their stupid little hearts) may remember about ten years ago I posted a poorly Photoshopped representation of an alternate car horn that's used strictly for those times when a less alarming sound if preferred. I think it's worth revisiting that. Having a second button that plays something pleasant like a friendly wind chime or the first verse of "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls would be preferred when all you want to do was say 'hello' to some old colleague strolling merrily down the street.

However, there's a funny little aside to that idea that may highlight the inherit dangers of such a device. I was passing a Mr. Softee truck on the road the other day and another car may have been on a collision course with it. Apparently, his method of alerting his would-be encroacher was to play the first eight notes of the Mr. Softee jingle. Not only is that the exact opposite of a stern warning, it's actually an invitation to come closer very quickly. Had I been the other driver, I would have ended up (by pure ice-cream truck reaction instinct) plowing right into the tasty truck, ending with my broken automobile covered in chocolate soft-serve and rainbow jimmies.

If you are not familiar with "Mr. Softee", refer to above video and know that I'm very sad for you.

So the solution to this little car-horn cacophony we have upon us? Just stop blaring your horn for no reason. Especially when I'm driving next to you with my windows open and I haven't had my coffee yet. Dick.