If You're Smarter Than a 5th Grader, You Might Be a Redneck

Perhaps my astrological sign dictates my desire to be overly critical of most empty-calorie pop culture snacks (if you believe in that new age horse shit), but I can't help but get annoyed by the hit game show "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?". You would think I'd blame catchphrase comedian-turned-host Jeff Foxworthy, but he does an ample job of pronouncing the contestants' and kids' names correctly (the only prerequisite for hosting a game show in my book). Nope. It's the damned theme song! Not since The Spin Doctors have I heard such an insipid piece of music. Let's see if I can do this:

Are you smarter than a fifth grader? Grab a pencil and a piece of paper...

That's as far as I can get before I start screaming at the cat for being such a poor example of a quadruped. Uncalled for? You bet. But I can't air my frustrations by yelling at the TV. That would make me clearly insane.

Furthermore, if those 5th graders are so damned smart, let me see them rotate my tires. It's easy to be "smarter" than those belittled contestants (Jeff Foxworthy to contestant: "Yer dumber than alcohol-free moonshine - yuk, yuk") when they're memorizing nuggets of information everyday that the average adult has long forgotten since they offer such little use in the real world (unless your career is 'gameshow groupie').

As a final note, I'd like to decry this relatively new gameshow trend of pausing for a ridiculously long time before revealing a correct answer.

"The correct number of sides on a decagon is... wait for it... wait for it... wait... for... it..."

Oh great! I fell asleep. I go to look up the answer on the internet. "The correct number of sides on a decagon is '3.14'. Wait. That can't be right. Damn you, Wikipedia!"