Lazy Resolutions for Dummies

The dawn of a brand new year is a time when many of us take stock of our lives and vow to make changes for the better. While admirable, many set the bar too high and fall back into bad habits. Not me though. I went ahead and made resolutions with that same metaphorical "bar" resting comfortably 30 feet below sea level. You won't find any "lose weight" or "quit smoking" promises to myself; only simple goals that can be easily reached. Bang! Instant self-esteem boost.

Things I Hate About Halloween

I have a rather complicated love/hate relationship with Halloween. On one hand, I enjoy the novelty of the day as well as its status as the first celebration day in the "Hallow-Thanks-Christmas Holiday Trifecta". On the other hand, well... I'll explain:

Rainy Day Horror Discovery

Another day, another thunderstorm. I don't remember any other time in my life when we've had more rainy days in a single week. I don't mind it so much except that the dog gets frantic. If he could speak English, or at least grunt more clearly, I swear he'd be asking me to do something about the weather. Since I can't, it doesn't matter that we don't communicate.

Christmas Flip-Flops

I love Christmas! What other holiday's celebration starts two months early? And what a fun-filled two months it is! Radio stations dedicating 24 hours of airtime to play remakes of remakes of Christmas songs, shitty "As Seen on TV" products that make "the perfect gift", the sharp decline in available parking spots at the mall, and Hershey Kisses wrapped in festive foil. Christmas is getting bigger every year. At this rate, it's going to envelope us all in a swarming mass of tinsel, pine needles and Vince Vivaldi music. I hesitate to say we'll be "Mannheim Steamrollered", but only because it's not even half as clever as I think it is.

UL Approved Halloween

A few years ago, it seemed somewhat amusing - but now I'm completely baffled by the continued appeal of the "Plug and Socket" costume set. Do people walk into the store and say, "Ahh Fuck it! I don't have a personality or any imagination. I'll be a piece of electrical equipment this year."? Were they out of Desk Lamp and Coaxial Cable costumes? I see this more and more every year and it's gotten to the point where a Congressional Ban is in order.