UL Approved Halloween

A few years ago, it seemed somewhat amusing - but now I'm completely baffled by the continued appeal of the "Plug and Socket" costume set. Do people walk into the store and say, "Ahh Fuck it! I don't have a personality or any imagination. I'll be a piece of electrical equipment this year."? Were they out of Desk Lamp and Coaxial Cable costumes? I see this more and more every year and it's gotten to the point where a Congressional Ban is in order.

Scientists predict that within an amazingly short three years, humans will evolve to the point that whenever someone picks a "plug/socket" costume off the rack, he or she will involuntarily punch him or herself in the face. That's what the eggheads refer to as a "kick ass self-defense mechanism". But don't mark your calendars just yet. The Halloween costume companies are hard at work, developing new matching gems for boring couples like "Left Shoe/Right Shoe", "Quill/Bottle of Ink" and, heaven forfend, "Kid/Play".

I could imagine some men will write me and claim that their girlfriends thought it was a cute idea. Sorry, that's not an excuse. If she thinks it's cute then she's probably the type that will spend a week laughing at something Michelle said on Full House and it may be in your best interest to end the relationship P.D.Q. Because one day the lame ideas she proposes will stop being cute and you're going to be too distracted thinking of ways to sneak Krazy Glue into her lip gloss to be paying attention anyway.

Yes, we all get that clever euphemism. The plug is a penis and the socket is a vagina. You're going to go home after the party and "plug in your hot plate" or something. We all friggin' get it. Now stop wearing it! Otherwise next year I will spit in one bowl of Candy Corn for every occurrence of the plug/socket combo I encounter.