How Toilets Work

A memo came in today from the president of the company I work for. It stated that we should refrain from throwing paper towels into the urinal as it clogs it up the pipes and renders it inoperable. I can't believe he actually had to write that. It's almost as if he admonished us not to use the rubber glue in the supply closet as a sexual lubricant. You'd think everyone would have learned through years of trial and error the consequences of said actions. One creates a smelly mess on the floor while the other makes for an embarrassing trip to the emergency room. And both are as obvi-fucking-ous as the curly hair on my balls. But time and time again, we all have to be reminded not to be so dense.

After reading this memo, I did a quick search of the employees to see if any were five years-old or younger. No such luck. I then checked to see if any of them watch nothing but MTV for forty hours a week. Search returned nil. I then checked to see if any debilitating head injuries have befallen anyone who uses a urinal. My name popped up. I would hardly call banging my head against my desk in anger an "injury", but I am impressed with the eerie thoroughness of the employee records. However, since I know I didn't do it, it wasn't helping me find the culprit.

So, alas, I'm forced to insult most people's intelligence. It may seem unfair, but what's more unfair is that I can't urinate peacefully because I'm knee-deep in stinky liquids and my limited choices of urinals has shrunken considerably. So yeah, most of you will be saying "well... DUH". But hopefully I could enlighten that one person for whom this will be a lesson is the basic mechanics of waste management. Of course, I'm assuming they actually read this far without stopping because something shiny caught their eye...

• Toilets can only dispose of a limited number of materials. They were not meant to act as a back-up garbage can. Save the candy wrappers, 2-ply paper towels, Canadian coins, carpet samples or decaying corpses for the trash heap.
  
  
• If you can't sit on it you can't shit in it.
  
  
• You know those expensive toilets that flush themselves. They're necessity is all your fault. I'd hate to use the bathroom at your house. If you're so nostalgic about your bodily excretions, you should invest in a hermetically-sealed display case. Leave the toilet to ridding yourself of the unpleasantness our bodies produce.
  
  
• It's simply impossible to fit inside the hole where waste disappears. Therefore, you don't need to be 50 feet away from the bowl/urinal when using it. Get in closer so you're not spraying your waste everywhere except for inside the toilet.

Simple, right? Next week we'll be learning how to breath through our noses.