So here's the story: I walked up to the gas station cashier to pay for some gas and a granola bar. The only person in front of me was a sweet little old lady. As I never learn from my experiences in life - EVER - I figured she'd be done in one or two minutes. Nope. She apparently came in armed with a laundry list of numbers she wanted to play "50/50*". A few minutes went by and I figured it had to end soon. Nope. She went for a good five minutes pronouncing each individual number slowly. "Are you reciting the phone book lady?!" Finally, after an agonizing seven or eight minutes of listening to the sounds of random integers while standing around with a sad little breakfast treat in my hand, she had finally rattled off her last number. "Thank God she's finally done", I had thought to myself before I caught that terrifying glimpse of her producing winning scratch-offs. Fuck! Me!
*For those of you not in the know about state sponsored gambling junkets, a "50/50" bet is 50 cents "straight", meaning the numbers you spew out come out in order and 50 cents "box", meaning the numbers can appear in any damned order.
Buying lottery tickets is like playing Blackjack at any average casino, except the dealer uses a standard deck while you're only dealt "Old Maid" cards. Try to wrap your head around the odds of winning the average state lottery game. The quantity of possible combinations is a number so large, just reciting it here will mess up the layout of my site. Granted, the old lady was playing the "Pick 3", which has much better odds. But still, mathematically speaking, she's spending a thousand dollars for every few hundred dollars she's winning. If you were to measure the amount of money lost in Werther's Originals and Luden's Cough Drops, it's unimaginably tragic.
I'm going to digress for a second and share something with you I found on the FAQ section of the official New York State Lottery website.
Can you give me the winning numbers for the next drawing?
No. Each drawing is a completely random live occurrence.
I'm going to assume someone really asked that question because it completely fits the mindset of the "get rich quick" moron that thinks the only thing he or she has to do in order to become a millionaire is ask someone nicely to compromise a random, state-sponsored drawing. Conversely, it could have been a "joke" taken seriously. I remember all those people who came into the deli I worked at when I was younger and, instead of just asking for a lottery ticket, would ask specifically for "the winning ticket [chuckle]." Hahahashut the hell up.
As I said, when I'm running late for work, playing second fiddle to someone's gambling addiction really breaks my shoes.
But here's the real reason I'm writing this. As a firm believer in irony, I will win the lottery shortly after decrying it on a public platform. I will then buy a large house and recreate the set of Card Sharks in my basement, all the while telling everyone that I was full of crap on the day I wrote this blog entry. Soon thereafter, I will then lose my entire fortune after some lucky punk comes into my basement and wins big on the "Money Cards" bonus round. I will then return to my former, bitter self. But by then, it'll be too late to regain any credibility. I'll then become the old shlub holding up some businessman from a meeting or some mailman from his appointed rounds because I need to buy 100 different Pick 3 number combinations one at a time. You have my permission to beat me senseless if that comes true.
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