90210
The new student body of West Beverly will consist solely of fashion models with the exception of maybe one or two "misfits" who will promptly twirl a loaded gun to impress the "cool kids" and accidentally shoot themselves to death in the process.
Fans of the original series will welcome the return of Jennie Garth who will be reprising her role as Kelly Taylor, now a guidance counselor at West Beverly. Her character's career choice was a natural one, as she can offer encouragement to others considering she had previously overcome date-rape, getting shot, being arrested for murder, cocaine addiction, abandonment, cult membership, amnesia, rehab, being stalked, being caught in a fire, a miscarriage, and the flu. Insiders have hinted that many more horrible things will happen to Kelly Taylor before the first commercial break of the premiere episode.
Also scheduled to return are Joe E. Tata as Nat, the older gentleman who hangs around with teenagers (and no one finds anything wrong with that) and Shannen Doherty as a bitch.
America's Toughest Jobs
From the executive producer who brought you "Ice Road Truckers", "Deadliest Catch", "Extreme Janitors" and "Boardroom Bloodlust" (okay, I made the last two up) comes a new reality competition premiering August 25th on NBC that will have contestants working on the toughest jobs around. Each week, someone is sent packing and their "salary" is added to a pot that will be claimed by a lone winner. It's like the "The Apprentice", only deadlier. But no one dies...
Opportunity Knocks
Imagine you're sitting at home, labeling your sperm sample collection or something equally creepy when J.D. Roth, host of the popular 80's "Double Dare" ripoff, "Fun House" knocks on your door? You'd be excited because you're the next contestant on "Opportunity Knocks", premiering this September on ABC. Then you'll be disappointed because his rotund assistant, Tiny, is nowhere to be found and you won't be riding on go-carts. Oh and you'll be forced to prove how well you know your spouse/sibling/pet/parents in order to win. And also, they were spying on you this whole time.
J.D. & Tiny during happier times.
Aston Kutcher serves as co-executive producer, which gives you ample reason to hate on it before seeing a single episode.
The Moment of Truth
Returning for new episodes on August 28th (Fox), "The Moment of Truth" proves that there are game show ideas that would make even Chuck Barris gasp appallingly.
Host Mark Walberg, sans the Funky Bunch,* asks contestants select questions that were previously answered before the program while attached to a polygraph machine. If the contestant answers truthfully, he or she wins money. If answered dishonestly (as determined by the lie detector), they lose everything they won, save for the first $25,000 (a new rule for this season). Embarrassment, hurt feelings, and severed relationships follow. Fun for the whole family.
*I know the host and "rapper turned actor" are not the same person. It was a joke. Don't email me.
Heroes
Outdated photo. Half of these characters have already been written off the show.
The new story arc will be lasting 13 episodes and it's been promised that a good percentage of them will be dedicated to subplots that go nowhere and follow-ups to last season's subplots that were going somewhere but ohhhh.... Writer's Strike.
Despite the presence of numerous spoilers on the internet, producers are staying mum on many of the major plot elements this go around. Some questions that still need to be answered: What are Sylar's intentions with that crazy-eyed death woman? Did Nikki escape the explosion? Will Nathan survive the assassination attempt? Will Claire find the thief who stole her Nissan Rogue? Does anyone actually watch the web series? Can't wait to find out.
2 comments:
what does sans mean?
It means "buy a damn dictionary!"
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