That being said, I do admit to occasionally watching a reality show be it out of curiosity, boredom or coma. Though the underlying premises are always easy enough to "get", there are still some shows that when you scrap away that layer of polish, an air of disbelief or bewilderment is released into the atmosphere and eats into our precious ozone layer. Here are some examples:
The premise: The daily lives of a couple who have a set of twins and a set of sextuplets. The wonders of fertility drugs have never been so... uh... televised.
What I can't wrap my head around: Kate overcame infertility. Good for her. She had a set of sextuplets. Pretty intense. Now, quick Kate and Jon - do something interesting. Oh, you have nothing? What a shame.
So yeah, I'm not understanding who's enjoying this show enough to keep it on the air. The few episodes I watched showed Kate throwing a birthday party and having to fix the streamers, dealing with "time-outs", and discussing motherhood in a way that would make me run out and buy a "Home Vasectomy Kit" pronto. Through all this, she shows the emotional level of a glob of modeling clay. Jon's no better. He looks like he hasn't slept since the 90's and sounds like he's in a inescapable typhoon of apathy. Compelling television this does not make.
And yes I know eight young kids bouncing around the house is a lot of work and some of you may think I should give Jon & Kate a pass because of this. But the Duggar family (as seen on The Learning Channel) consists of 18 kids and yet the parents still manage to muster up enough enthusiasm for the cameras to keep you from counting the number of buttons on your remote.
The premise: Bret Michaels (frontman for Poison) plays host to a group of bimbos who all compete against each other to win his love and affection.
What I can't wrap my head around: I can't determine whether Bret thinks the audience for this show is incredibly gullible or he himself is a bit dense when he describes these strippers and borderline prostitutes as "loving soul mates" (in not so many words). Nevermind that you can count the number of successful relationships stemming from a reality show off on one hand with the fingers mostly severed.
If Bret addressed the camera and matter-of-factly said "I'm going to pick the woman who's the best in the sack, give her a monetary prize and tell her to go away once the filming wraps", then I'd have a little more respect for this show (albeit still not all that much). Instead, Bret lovingly describes some hillside he and the winner are going to have a picnic on with enough gooey adjectives to give a romance novel cavities.
Furthermore, Bret needs to realize that his rock star cred has dipped below Donny Osmond with his "sensitive boy" whining about who among the walking cases of Clamydia loves him most. And yes Bret, we know you're still reeling from the girl who cheated on you and inspired "Every Rose Has It's Thorn", but you need to get over that. It's been two friggin' decades!
The premise: Twelve dog groomers from around the country compete to win $50,000, a mobile grooming salon and title as the "Country's Best Groomer".
What I can't wrap my head around: Even though it's on Animal Planet, I still can't imagine even dog lovers are that enamored with the career of grooming enough to make this show conceivable.
Dog grooming is a profession that was born out of owners' beliefs that the canines give two craps how about they look. Maintaining the coat, nails and other parts of the dog is important, but beyond the basics, it's just gratuitous and shallow. But somehow, this show creates some arbitrary rules about what separates the renowned doggy stylist from those that just cut, clean, get paid and leave me the hell alone. Guess which one I would hire.
There are probably dog show enthusiast's (and groomers) who will disagree with this one and argue that presentation is as important as giving the dog water daily. That's fine. But if the actual process of grooming the dog were so damn interesting, the vans would be transparent.
The premise: Two teams face off to complete the most challenges. The stunts involve doing something scary.
What I can't wrap my head around: I'm not seeing the point of the second stunt, which usually involves eating something incredibly gross. We don't eat scorpions, worms, etc. not because we're afraid to, but rather because we know it's going to be unpleasant. Yes you can counter with "they'd be afraid of the gross taste and therefore the stunt helps alleviate their trepidation" to which I would respond with "what does 'trepidation' mean?" Furthermore, fear of falling, getting hurt and so forth is NOT the same as fearing a revolting delicacy.
So why do they do it? I'm guessing because nauseating viewers brings in that precious 18 to 35 demographic that sells the advertisements. Jackass (hey, second reference is as many days) did great numbers with a bunch of guys who puke, fart, defecate and pee all over each other (in addition to the main physical aspects) so why shouldn't Fear Factor try to get a piece of that action? It didn't work out that well though since the show is now canceled after years of declining ratings.
Also, it should be noted that while I'm not some insane PETA-supporting freak, I do think that eating creepy crawlies alive for the sake of entertainment is a bit cruel.
The premise: Paris throws together a string of words she's heard of and hopes that they form a coherent sentence. Nicole Richie hangs around sometimes and stares blankly into space.
What I can't wrap my head around: Who are these Paris Hilton fans who kept The Simple Life going for five seasons (three on Fox)? I can see where these shows were entertaining for a couple of times around the block, but I would never have imagined that the no-note premise can sustain five years worth of episodes. And, to top it off, she has a new show on MTV called Paris Hilton's My New BFF. I want a list of the people who watch this show so I can personally convince each one to have themselves sterilized. It shouldn't be too hard. I'll just use the adjective "kewl" before the phrase "to not reproduce" and that'll be that.
The bar for becoming famous was lowered to below sea level when Paris emerged her head, blinked and uttered nonsense. And she won't go away. Make her stop, please!
1 comment:
Paris works so hard at making the world a little worse.
Check out our take on Paris:
http://starcasm.net/archives/86
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