I Hate Talking on the Phone

I just got the Droid. I like using it for many things. I just hate talking it on. It's not the phone's fault. I hate phone conversations in general.  I have nothing personal against the people with whom I'm speaking. I just happen to get very antsy when I'm on the phone, like I want to be doing something - ANYTHING - else at that very moment.

I'm definitely not a "chatter". If I'm on the phone with you, it's all business. At least it had better be. I'm not down for idle chit-chat about how your kid is "so smart" because he learned to use the potty. Big deal. I can use the potty too. Sometimes I can even hit the toilet from the bedroom across the hall without so much as sprinkling even a drop of that tinkle. But no one calls me with kudos or to invite me to a parade in my honor. Just blah blah blah blah blah...

"So I was just dusting and I figured I'd call you to tell you I was dusting..."

I have a friend who has the nasty habit of needing mundane social plans re-explained to him every few days. It'll start off with a text message or two. I'll begrudgingly repeat myself. Then, after all the information has been given, he still insists on calling me to have that repeated vocally. I see him on my caller ID and I panic. I'll hide the phone in a closet, run into the basement and cower in a corner. I have to do that. He seems to know exactly how far away from the phone I was when I ignored the call. Can't figure out how, but he does...

Now I've explained my policy to him quite clearly and firmly. But it never works. Maybe he's drawn to my smooth-jazz voice that's playfully flavored with a side of bitterness. Or maybe he's just really bored and has literally nothing else to do. Doesn't matter: my rules are my rules and I can't break them - not for anyone.

I'm not completely heartless, nor do I think the phone is without usefulness. I'll take calls with the girlfriend while she's on a quick break. I'll speak to family to get the inside information on upcoming holiday gatherings. I'll even call an acquaintance in the hospital to make sure the doctors were able to remove that "thing he shouldn't have put up there". Anything else, however, doesn't need to be discussed over the telephone. It should be sent to me as a telegram instead.

Now, I do realize some people might be curious about the ongoing saga that is my day-to-day life. That's why I prepared this handy FAQ. If you feel the need to call me without any specific purpose or emergency, refer to it and save yourself the dime.

• How are you doing?
  I'm doing fine.  How are you doing?  I'll just go ahead and assume "fine" as well.
  
  
• What's going on?
  Nothing much.  What's going on with you?  I'll just hazard a guess that it's "nothing much" for you too.
  
  
• How's work?
  Busy.  Or slow.  Or both.  How's work for you?  Feel free to say anything here, I'm playing a video game while you're talking and it will not register.
  
  
• Watch any good movies lately?
  No.  I only watch bad movies.  Then I bitch about how they haven't released it on DVD just to fill space on my blog.    Have you?  Don't answer.  I'm just going to say "that's good" no matter what.
  
  
• Talk to you later?
  Why?  You're talking to me now.  Isn't that enough for one lifetime? 

P.S.: Ironically, I always thought I'd make a great phone sex operator. Go figure.