Takin' a Dump with Jaime Lee

Jaime Lee Curtis made a name for herself playing memorable roles in classic films such as Halloween, A Fish Called Wanda, Trading Places, True Lies and many others.  Now in her 50's, she seems content being the spokeswoman for Dannon Activia yogurt.  In these commercials, Jaime plays host to various women who have no problem discussing their bowel movements with a celebrity.  I normally ignore yogurt ads, but a light bulb went off in my head.  These commercials are just begging to be spun-off into a full-fledged, daytime talk show.  We can call it "Takin' a Dump with Jaime Lee". 

Here's how I would envision the show:  First Jaime walks out on a set decorated to look like heaven's restroom and bows to an appreciative audience.  A monologue would be nice, but if she's light on jokes, she could just fart in the microphone a couple of times.  And that would be okay, because it's what the show's about - open honestly about good digestive health.  It doesn't matter if it makes a noise like trout flapping in the mud and smells like last year's Easter Eggs.  It's the gift of a strong colon, courtesy of Activia (the show's sponsor, obviously).

It may take awhile to score the A-List celebrities considering Hollywood doesn't make movies about dropping your kids off at the pool (the [insert genre here] Movie series are notable exceptions).  So to start, she's going to have to chat it up with housewifes and proctologists, all with some amazing anecdotes that will move you and your bowels at the same time.  Now and then, a minor star could show up, promoting a new diet that will "have your cannon firing a 21-gun salute straight at Mr. Tidy Bowl Man's head".  That's their description, not mine - even though I just wrote it and if I had the chance, I'd make them say it no matter how much they protest.  Then it's two hours of maniacal laughter and then straight to bed for me. 

Next up, we'll find out how an unfortunate case of explosive diarrhea gave Maya Angelou the inspiration for one of her greatest poems.

I'm going to be realistic and not pretend that this show would be for everyone.  There are those of us who keep our bathroom habits tucked away in the back of the dresser drawer with the unmatchable socks and loud ties.  That's fine.  But if "Takin' a Dump with Jamie Lee" could inspire just one viewer to step back, look into their unflushed toilets and ponder, then it did its job.  Yes, it did it admirably. 

I won't divulge too many of my ideas for "Takin' a Dump with Jaime Lee".  Some things are better left as a surprise.  Now all I have to do is pitch this to the host herself.  I've been trying to contact her, but she has yet to return any of my calls. 

She's probably in the bathoom.