Shark Week Attack!

A few days ago, bathers were asked to remove themselves from the ocean water in Long Beach, New York after what looked like sharks were seen cavorting in the shallow waters.  Although it turned out to be harmless cownose rays out for some nookie, for a while beach-goers were convinced Discovery had taken guerrilla marketing for their annual "Shark Week" event to a new low.

For the past 23 years, Discovery has dedicated an entire week of programs to nothing but sharks:  sharks swimming, sharks eating, swimmers provoking sharks, sharks eating swimmers, swimmers jumping sharks on water skis, sharks taking a bath, etc.   It's gone from an unassuming theme-week on a fledgling cable channel to an event hyped up to a frenzy, exciting masses of amateur marine biologists everywhere.  It's almost like Christmas to these people, but instead of images of Jesus swaddling in a manger, he's riding a shark.

Sinners beware! Jesus has a shark!

As popular shows such as "Dirty Jobs" and "Mythbusters" find a way to shoehorn some sort of "shark-related" premise into episodes airing during "Shark Week", viewers get drawn into a world of fascination.  Suddenly, these large, scary fish are the most interesting things in the universe.  The channel-changer gets a break as a captive audience stays tuned to soak up hours of shark knowledge.  Like a child at a strip club, the eyes stay wide open, daring not to blink for fear of missing that one frame of this misunderstood sea animals doing something ridiculously awesome like fighting an octopus or eating the leg off a hippie.  It fills their brain with images and information they just can't wait to share with other shark-enthusiasts all over the world and Paraguay too!

Then "Shark Week" is over and everyone immediately forgets about sharks for the next 51 weeks.

If I've heard one conversation where sharks were even just mentioned outside of Discovery's designated celebration period, I certainly don't remember it.    That includes any reference to Hanna-Barbera's Jabberjaw or the classic TV game show "Card Sharks".

Or both at the same time.

Why sharks, Mr. or Mrs. Discovery Channel?   Sure, they can be interesting beasts, but I feel everything we need to know can be summed-up in a two hour documentary.  It's been over two decades; time for a new theme to keep the interests of your viewers fresh.   I'd like to hear more about bats. Or why not a week dedicated to kangaroos boxing?  Or, even better, a 7-day event detailing the mating rituals of the North American Hooters Waitress?

Watch as Melody, a two-year veteran in the chicken-wing infested jungle of this theme restaurant, shows her potential mate that she's "interested" by by bending at the waist to pick up a dropped napkin instead of the usual "knee-bend" method.  Mating for the species in this particular way in highly uncommon.  For most of her prey, rituals that can be mistaken as an invitation to mate are, in fact, just an clever ruse to harvest more precious resources from him.  Or, as they call it, "securing a bigger tip".  

Sigourney Weaver would be an excellent choice to narrate that compelling week-long documentary.