I Now Pronounce Thee Man and Psycho

My girlfriend doesn't like it when I make fun of a show she's watching. I admit it's wrong and obnoxious. I understand that pointing out my observation about Andrea Zuckerman looking older than Nat on "Beverly Hills 90210" is completely unnecessary. I will apologize for that. But then I'll stroll into the living room and catch a glimpse of her watching "Bridezillas" and holding my tongue becomes like a runaway train I'm trying to stop with my ass cheeks. How can you watch it and not make fun of it?

"Bridezillas" is a reality show on WE: Women's Entertainment (among the other 23 hours of wedding-related programing they offer) that follows around a bride-to-be as she effectively emasculates her fiancé and sells out her friends and family for the opportunity to be on television. Most episodes deal with women acting like spoiled-brats, screaming at everyone, making unreasonable demands, crying for little to no reason and treating her friends like insignificant servants. The show aims to entertain women and breed misogyny in men.

"I'm going to rip off your cock and throw it as my bouquet." - The love of your life.

I'm completely cognizant of the editing room shenanigans that take place when piecing together reality show footage to tell the story producers want. Consequently, one of the first "subjects", Julia Swinton-Williamson, sued the producers for being misled about the show's topic (it wasn't called "Bridezillas" yet). She had claimed they focused on the few "negatives" of her wedding planning adventures, instead all that shiny, happy stuff that hit the cutting-room floor.

Julia's explanation sounds believable, but I wouldn't buy it from later participants. I've only seen pieces of a handful of episodes (the topic of wedding planning doesn't have enough explosions or bare breasts to keep me interested) but from what I've witnessed, I couldn't imagine the venomous bile spewing from these crazy ladies' mouths being taken out of a more innocent context. In what situation would padlocking a refrigerator so your bridesmaids don't "get fat" before the wedding or telling your husband-to-be the five-figure piece of jewelry he bought is not expensive enough be rational behavior?

Thanks for entertaining us, cuckoo lunatic woman. Though we appreciate it, we still think you're a total bitch.

Anytime I watch a few minutes of this show, I find myself more angry at the grooms than the brides. Gentlemen, my gender-brothers from other mothers, if your fiancée suggests signing up for this show - RUN! No, it won't work out for you in the end. Yes, viewers will assume you discarded your testicles someone between the first date and the that time she screamed at you in public ten minutes after the first date began.

I shouldn't make too much fun of WE. I'm working on a television show concept I plan to pitch to them. Basically, it's two women in wedding gowns punching each other in the ovaries for thirty minutes straight (minus commercials). They'll do this on a set decorated with miniature buildings and power-lines. I'll call it "Bridezilla vs. Destroyogal". Winner, of course, gets an all-expense paid wedding.