1,215,223.1 Football Fields Under The Sea

Since the 1960's, metrication has affected 95% of the world's population. However, there are three nations in the world that have thumbed their noses at the Metric System. America is one of them. There's a good reason for that. We'd be completely lost if we can't measure distances by "football* fields". For reference: a "football field" is equal to 100 yards, 300 feet, 91.44 meters or one-quarter of four football fields (yes, we even measure football fields in "football fields").

*A quick note for my readers outside the U.S.: When we refer to "football", we mean American Football where a bunch of heavily padded men tackle each other to prevent scoring. We're not referring to what we would call "soccer". Despite the media's attempts, a majority of us still don't know what a "Beckham" is and are baffled as to what it has to do with the Spice Girls.

A carpenter measures his cuts with a "football field stick".

I've been noticing that whenever someone is challenged to illustrate the length of something immense, be it in an educational book, documentary, etc., they turn to the "football field" unit of measurement to help those who have never seen a ruler understand the sheer vastness of something. For example: The moon is an average distance of 4,203,883.2 football fields from the earth. And to get to Sally's party? Drive down Main Street for 4.3 football fields and make a left onto Elm where you'll drive three "first downs" and an "Offside penalty" until you see Brad puking by the mailbox. Bring Doritos.

Using "football fields" is a damn good idea, as I'm someone who can't visualize a meter, a furlong or a parsec. And no one likes the big numbers that come from using feet and inches. They're scary and probably smell funny. Even "mile", widely accepted in the United States, sounds long, boring and sweaty no matter the context. Thankfully, with "football field", you can turn that grueling "half mile" hike into the more digestible distance of "8.8 Football Fields". Sounds better, doesn't it? You can walk that drunk with both legs tied behind your back.

As many times as I've heard the "football field" length quoted, it's still not widely accepted as the de facto unit by which everything, from newborn babies to killer whales, is measured. Imperial and Metric units - both archaic and needless. "Football field" is the wave of future, but it all has to begin with you. You can start by telling your mechanic that you drove 52,800 football fields and it's time for an oil change.

I have a nose bleed from all the math I had to do for this article.