Road Conversation for One

Driving alone often leads to controlled bouts of mild insanity. At least that's the observation I made about myself after taking a half-mile drive to the drugstore this morning.

Hopefully I'm not alone. Let me ask you this: Have you ever talked to yourself while driving, noticed someone staring at you doing this, and pretended you were having a conversation on some imaginary hands-free phone? That's basically what I do whenever I can't be bothered to keep my thoughts confined to my inner-monologue.

First I'll say something profound out loud like "McCain's running mate is a future V-PILF*". After noticing that some man out for a stroll had witnessed me saying dumb things to myself, I'll poke randomly at the console, laugh as if the caller had just said something humorous and then say something else whilst tapping my ear for "better reception". I don't know if my ruse works. I never do any of those things when I'm on a real phone call. But just like on television and in the movies when an actor repeats everything the unheard caller supposedly said, I have to be unrealistically gratuitous.

*Derived from MILF. But more importantly: not as "profound" as I advertised. Actually, fairly hackneyed.

From what I've witnessed during my daily commutes and trips to the local Dairy Barn, I'm not the only nutball operating a motor vehicle. I've seen plenty of hot and heavy nose-picking going on inside other drivers' sedans. But probably the oddest behavior I witnessed was when I was stopped at a red light and some girl was behind me, full-on dancing in her seat behind the wheel. Not a simple head bop or "roof-raising" gesture but rather a complex series of body gyrations and grinding accompanied by enough bass thumping to register a reading on the Richter scale. This was all accompanied by her off-key attempt to sing along as loud as humanly possible. I've never felt so bad for a car's shocks in my life until that day.

Amazed, I must have gawked at her in my rear-view mirror for a full minute before remarking out loud, "I'd love to be at the rave going on in her head right now." Just as I finished that sentence, a young couple crossing the street gave me the oddest gaze followed by a snide giggle. I fumbled forward to poke at some buttons on my console and clumsily added "yes we'll go to the zoo tomorrow if you clean up your room - love you buddy!" while tapping my ear. I even stupidly said "click" as I pretended to disconnect from the call. The girl behind me pointed and laughed in my direction while still swinging her long hair around in a rhythmic windmill.

I think I may have to tint my windows.