Celebrity Death Week

So get this: I was in the middle of writing a post about Michael Jackson when my girlfriend called me up to inform me of the latest celebrity death: loud pitchman Billy Mays. Since it's been an out-of-the-ordinary week of celebrity demises, I have decided to expand this by giving some quick attention to the other famous people who died this past week. Let's start with:

If you looked up "sidekick" in the directory, you'd find a bunch of words describing what a "sidekick" is. On the other hand, if you have one of those "special people" dictionaries for the illiterate that has pictures instead of words, you may find a photo of Ed McMahon.

McMahon died on June 23rd, 2009 at the age of 86 during which he had been dealing with financial problems and failing health.

Although forever remembered as Johnny Carson's right-hand man, it should be noted that he ushered in a new era of insufferable talent shows with his stint on "Star Search". And lest we forget, would any of us be the same had we not been exposed to TV bloopers and/or practical jokes? I think not. Also notable but rarely seen was Ed McMahon knocking on your door presenting you with a check from the American Family Publishers sweepstakes.

BILLY MAYS

HI, BILLY MAYS HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY UNTIMELY DEATH ON JUNE 28TH, 2009 AT THE AGE OF 50. HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED HOW STRANGE AND EERIE IT'D BE IF YOU COULD WALK AWAY FROM A BOTCHED PLANE LANDING AND THEN DIE THE NEXT DAY FROM POSSIBLY UNRELATED CAUSES. WELL WONDER NO MORE BECAUSE I'M HERE TO PRESENT YOU WITH A REVOLUTIONARY CELEBRITY DEATH THAT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT MORTALITY FOREVER. FASTER THAN THE "DOOHICKEY"! MORE POWERFUL THAN THE "THINGAMABOB"! AMAZING! BUT WAIT - THERE'S MORE! ACT NOW AND I'LL THROW IN NOT ONE, BUT TWO PARAGRAPHS ABOUT FARAH FAWCETT'S DEATH - ABSOLUTELY FREE! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? CALL NOW!

FARAH FAWCETT
Jill Munroe, one of Charlie's most versatile angels, might have fought crime with good looks and fabulous hair, but it was Farrah Fawcett that had the world lift its collective heads up from their CB radios to take notice. Never before or since has anyone given such a crap about a poster. Yet it was that iconic Farrah Fawcett photograph pinned to the walls around the country that seemed to say, "Hey boys, it's a little chilly in here."

Farrah Fawcett died on June 25th due to complications from anal cancer. If that weren't tragic enough, the news and subsequent tributes about her life were overshadowed by another celebrity's death that same day...

MICHAEL JACKSON
Just like most news outlets, I have given the lion's share of attention to Michael Jackson.

"King of Pop" "Wacko Jacko" "Spelling Bee Champion" Michael Jackson has gone by several monikers over his long career. Now he can add one more: "Deceased Celebrity".

Michael Jackson died on June 25th, 2009 at the age of 50. He leaves behind a legendary catalog of pop music and a warehouse full of tabloid headlines. Perhaps also a few scarred boys, allegedly.

Those of you too young to remember the explosion of "Michael Jackson Mania" following the release of Thriller would be surprised to learn that the musician was once lauded for his talents instead of celebrated for his insanity. For a short-time in the early 80's, nothing else mattered or existed except for whatever is was Michael Jackson was doing that will blow your musical mind. But I suppose the combination of fire and the Pepsi subsequently poured on his head by production staff to douse the flames did something to his internal wiring - because shortly thereafter, he just went loony.

There is no such thing as bad publicity, especially when it keeps a performer in the public consciousness in between record releases. But five years of reports over Michael's eccentric lifestyle is hard to trump by something as mundane as a record release - even if it is the long-awaited follow-up to the best selling record of all time. "Tonight at 11. Bad is released amidst rumors Jackson enjoys playing Billiards with his penis." "Our top story: Jackson's new album flies off shelve, but is he spending his fortune building a roller coaster to Liz Taylor's house? Find out in our exclusive investigation." Of course, I made those up since they are far less strange than the actual rumors and I didn't want anyone not familiar with MJ to think I'm being silly.

In hindsight, it was hard to blame the media for the negative attention given to Jackson. First, Michael himself planted some of the early stories of bizarre behavior (i.e. him sleeping in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber - which he disseminated to the press to promote "Captain EO"). Second, he designed his ranch with the mindset of a 12-year old boy. (Admittedly, if I had designed his ranch, I'd keep the arcade but would replace the zoo animals with porn stars.) Third, even when buried up to his fake nose in allegations of child molestation, he still insisted on traveling around with an entourage of young boys. There are normal people who would naturally distance themselves from anything that may remind people of what they are being accused of, and then there's Michael Jackson. When Michael was photographed with his boy scout troop, he never made a statement along the lines of "Look at the boys that I WON'T be molesting tonight." It's as if O.J. carried along a knife collection to his murder trial. Then again, O.J. didn't introduce the Moonwalk to viewers of the "Motown 25th Anniversary Special" either.

Fans and apologists have long cited Michael's traumatic childhood under the heavy, swift hand of father and manager, Joe Jackson. Far be it from me to trivialize child abuse, but I'm not buying it. Even if the beatings and mental abuse were a catalyst in Michael's behavior, psychotherapy is a heck of a lot cheaper than giraffes and hush money. You should have gotten help Michael, not nose jobs and a chimp.

The body of Michael Jackson (what was left of it) expired on June 25th, 2009 - but the legendary musical contributor died sometime in the early 90's. It's a damn shame, but we'll always have Thriller.

I think we've all had about enough of celebrity deaths. What we need now is a celebrity birth to even the universe out a bit. Ellen Pompeo? Gisele Bundchen? Kendra Wilkenson? Meh, none of them are Gweneth Paltrowy enough. Perhaps a good meal and early bedtime will just have to suffice for now.