Gamestop: 1; My Intelligence: 0

I don't know why I ever walk into a Gamestop. On top of the numerous alternatives available, I don't even play video games all that much anymore anyway. I suppose it's the ubiquitousness of the chain that keeps me from patronizing the more deserving vendors, much like how you go to masturbate but your hand gets distracted popping pimples on the way down.

"Would you like to reserve 'Baby Square Dance Challenge' for $5 and guarantee yourself a copy?"

One morning a couple of weeks ago, I had to make a stop with a couple of co-workers before we went back to the office. They wanted to get a sandwich before driving back. While waiting, I noticed the Gamestop storefront, practically begging me to come in and get taken down a notch. I relented, but I really wanted to play the new Punch-Out!! game for the Wii that evening. Mentally preparing myself as best as I could, I entered...

If you've ever walked into one Gamestop, you've walked into all Gamestops. They're all the same: walls of display boxes laid out in some pseudo-alphabetical arrangement, demo kiosks scattered about the floor and a couple of workers behind the counter selling open-box games as "new" to unwitting customers. My plan, as always, was to just walk up to the counter, as for what I needed and get the hell out as quick as possible lest they talk to me. Part of me is afraid of their condescending "expert gamer" remarks like "ur lame a$$ cant rokket jmp in TF2- L0L noob". I am more afraid, however, that they try to pad a $50 purchase into a $100 purchase. It's not that I can't say "no", it's just that I'm appalled that I look like the type of person who might be interested in the nonsense being peddled. I asked for my game and the employee promptly plopped in on the counter. I went for my wallet and soon I heard those dreaded words: "Would you like to buy the Official Punch-Out!! boxing gloves for $27?" Ah crap...

"Take that, air!"

I'm not above game-related chotchkies. I just spent an additional $20 on The Sims 3 for the green plumb-bob USB drive. But that doubles as something useful. The gloves would sit in the closet (next to my toy guitar and hollowed-out steering wheel) inviting visitors to ask, "Why do you have boxing gloves? You don't even know how to throw a punch you big tub of hairy jelly." Of course I didn't want to buy them. Apparently, the employee had a gun trained to head from Gamestop HQ. That's the only reason I can offer up as to why he felt he needed to flat-out LIE to me as a follow-up to my denial. "You need them for playing the game", he said with a face so straight, I would hesitate playing poker with him. Let me explain two things: (1) Punch-Out!!, even on the Wii with those whole motion-control shenanigans, is still best played with regular game pad controls and (2) No, you don't "need" it. Some people enjoy using endless gratuitous gadgets to play Wii games. Some people also wear helmets while folding laundry. Where do we draw the line? Should I have the Gamestop clerk talk me into wearing overalls, growing a mustache, putting "ah" sounds at the end of words, and eating mushrooms until Jesus gallops into my room atop a purple unicorn and promptly melts into the carpet every time I fire up a Super Mario game? I'm a man, dammit! This ain't cosplay you game-jockeying game-jockey.

With the boxing glove purchase clearly declined, the employee felt it was time to get really somber. "I don't know if you know this yet", he started, "but they're going to be releasing a follow-up to Wii Sports. Now this is going to come with an add-on to the Wiimote that'll make it 10 times more accurate. If you want, you can put a deposit down now and be guaranteed a copy. If you don't, I can't tell you what's going to happen." Perhaps I paraphrased a little, but slap in the nutsack five times if he wasn't sounding like he was talking his own grandmother off a ledge. I know Gamestop gets its undies moist when a large number of people throw money down on a game that has not yet been released, but if I reserve a game with them that just means I have to return to the store and augment my purchase with some "Wii Sports 2 Official Athletic Supporter" that I really need to play the game properly.

Perhaps you think I'm a monster for picking on the underpaid workers for following strict company policy. Don't worry, I know this guy was really desperate to push stupid crap for the sake of keeping his job. But maybe this is where Gamestop needs to take a step back and reassess their customer service guidelines. If we don't stand up to their practice of peddling junk as "game enhancers", it won't be long before they just take dumps into paper bags, slap a Tri-Force sticker on it, call it Hyrule Fertilizer (right) and sell it alongside the new Legend of Zelda entry.

Just make sure you put down your deposit. There's only a few million copies to go around.